Heaviness (A Personal Journal Entry)

Heavy. I feel heavy today. Not just tired and achy, but heavy. Like I'm carrying the world on my shoulders. Or like I'm walking on the bottom of a pool, with the weight of the water pushing me down. It's exhausting.

I woke up this morning very aware of all my shortcomings. Mediocrity, laziness, lack of control.

I think it all stems from two very significant run-in's I've had this week. First, reconnecting with my high school English teacher, who had such high expectations of me that I've never fulfilled; second, a few pictures of my high school sweetheart, whom I haven't seen in 10 years, left me feeling vulnerable to the exploits of networking websites.

It's like there are two of me. The one person who lives with one foot in reality, who has a fairy-tale marriage, supportive family, great friends, a hobby that keeps me fulfilled and happy.....and the other person, who dwells in the past, regretting decisions made and yearning for what might have been. I'd change everything about where I am and what I'm doing if I could...

Except, of course, my marriage. My husband is my constant and the one thing I can be most proud of--I've accomplished what so many strive for--a happy, perfect, healthy, Cleaver-esque relationship. It's my one accomplishment in the last 10 years that makes my life worthwhile.

Mediocrity. I think I was in college when I first realized that I was mediocre, at best, at most everything I did. I'd been told all along that I could be whatever I wanted in life, to reach for the stars and my dreams would come true. Then reality set in when I couldn't find a job with my degree when we first moved to Charleston. MAJOR wake-up call. There are hundreds of me's out there---people who want to be writers, who've dreamed of it their whole lives, who can't get a job in an industry that's slowly dying. And thus, mediocrity caught up with me.

Why should I settle for mediocrity? Why can't I create new dreams and fulfill those?

Because this weight is holding me back, pinning me down, suffocating me as I live in these four walls that feel so much like a prison to me. I need to make a change.

Holding Pattern

I've gotten a few emails from readers in the past few weeks, asking if I'm okay and wondering where I am on my journey. In truth, I've all but stopped trying to lose weight. Hubby and I were spending his last few weeks of freedom (he just started back to school this week) eating fast food and going to our favorite restaurants.

In all honesty, I've been using my last doctor's visit as an excuse to "wait and see." If I do have PCOS, it will honestly change my entire life. The best way to describe how I feel about my life right now is that I'm in a "holding pattern," just waiting to see what's going to happen. I'm afraid to get really invested in anything right now.

A lot of my overeating lately has really just been about laziness. I had all but stopped cooking at home, because "it's too hot," or "I'm too tired," or "wouldn't you just rather have a cheeseburger??" We were spending EXORBITANT amounts on junk food, and there was always a pint of ice cream, brownies, sugary cereals, or some kind of sweet just waiting to be consumed. I haven't stepped on a scale since my last weight in at the doctor's office, and I'm a little wary of it at this point.

BUT, the silver lining in all of this is that I have started cooking again, and I've forgotten just how much I enjoy it. I'm trying to teach myself how to create healthier, easier meals that produce leftovers--that way, I can take a day between cooking days and still have delicious food to keep me happy. I've also delved into buying cookbooks that I've always wanted but never figured I would use. Turns out, I was wrong! I went to www.half.com and found some Rachael Ray cookbooks for less than $2 a piece, and went through each one, marking the recipes I wanted to try. So far, everything's been easy, and very tasty! It's gotten me more interested in spending time in the kitchen again, which can only be a step in the right direction for my health.

At least once a day, and usually more often than that, I think about my body. I think about how heavy I am and how uncomfortable I feel. I think about how much I want to have a baby and how I'm not doing anything about it. I really feel like this upcoming visit to the doctor for these many tests, regardless of the outcome, is going to push me back into my weight-loss high-gear. Now that Brian's gone back to school, what else do I have to do other than look for easy, healthy recipes and work out?

So, to all of those who have been wondering about me, or thinking I'd forgotten all about blogging and my journey, rest assured that's not the case. I've been avoiding it because I didn't really want to admit to my summer antics. But be prepared...I think I'm almost ready to get 100% serious about losing weight. I've tried and tried before, but I think you have to be in the right mindset before you can truly be successful.

Hope you all are well, and I'll be posting again soon!

Recent Doctor's Visit

I'm guessing most of you may have noticed that I haven't been blogging lately. Well, there's a GREAT explanation for that.

I sort of gave up.

I wasn't eating healthy, I certainly wasn't working out, and I was relishing in the junk food we were consuming on a daily basis. Fast food, convenience meals, cookies, SO much soda---all the sorts of things that I know I'm not supposed to eat, I was eating them anyway.

It just got hard. Not terribly hard, just hard. And I threw in the towel.

For those who have been readers of the Violet for awhile, you may remember a health scare I had back in February. (For those who haven't, you can read those blogs here: Hello All and An Update on my Earlier Post ) In a brief recap, I was diagnosed with Dysfunctional Uterine Bleeding and was put on birth control to regulate my menstrual cycles. Well, I had a check-up with my doctor yesterday. The original plan was to stay on the BC long enough to get my cycles normal again, and then ween myself off of the pills, because we want to have babies.

I think she intended for me to just stay on the birth control. But, my husband and I have desperately wanted children as long as we've been together, but have had no luck getting pregnant. When I told her my intentions were to come off the birth control so we could start trying again, she asked me if I'd ever been tested for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I told her I had not, and so she has taken me off of the birth control so I can be tested. I'll go back in September for the test, as I have to be off the pill long enough for it to not influence the results.

What does this mean for me in terms of weight loss? Well, the decision to lose weight really isn't something I should do now. It's something I HAVE to do. PCOS is a hormonal imbalance that is directly related to women who are overweight. However, not only does this imbalance make it harder to conceive, it ALSO makes it harder to lose weight. There are some medications that can be taken to assist in leveling out the hormones so weight loss can be achieved, but I have to be diagnosed officially before that will happen.

So...my goal from now until September is to gradually get back in the driver's seat of my own life. I can't control whether I have PCOS or not, I can't spend my days lamenting the fact that I may never have children of my own. I have to control the only factor I can control---and that's my weight. I may not have much success losing much between now and the test, but I'm sure going to try. According to a lot of the literature I've read, even women with PCOS who can lose 10% of their body weight increase their chances of becoming pregnant by a lot.

Brian says I'm probably jumping the gun. That I shouldn't over-react or self-diagnose until I've got the results of the test. I know he's right. But truly, when is deciding to lose weight a BAD idea? :)

Taking Stock

Good Things I've Accomplished This Week:
1. Made a 100% healthy grocery list, bought lots of fruits and vegetables, fish, and lean chicken breasts. NO red meat!
2. Made the decision to do some research on a new (well, new for me, it's actually pretty ancient) diet based on the Chinese concept of Yin & Yang.
3. Worked out on the elliptical Monday morning and got my sweat on.
4. Made the decision to get back to the grindstone and lose this weight! My husband has recently promised me a tropical vacation (or perhaps even a Europe trip!) when he finishes school in a couple of years--that gives me the perfect amount of time to lose this weight FOR GOOD!!

Yay!

Bad Things That I've Allowed to Dampen my Progress This Week:
1. Three letters: K.F.C.
2. Three words: Ben and Jerry's.
3. The snooze button on my alarm clock, which was set this AM for another elliptical workout. Did not happen.
4. Laziness.

Bleh.

I am making progress in the right direction, but I'm not 100% there yet. I have SO many reasons that should put "getting healthy" right at the top of my to-do list, but I'm having a hard time getting the engine started, so-to-speak. You know, while I'm making lists, it might not be such a bad idea to make THAT list as well.

Reasons Why Getting Healthy Should Be My Number One Priority:
1. So I can live a longer life with my wonderful husband.
2. So we can finally have a baby.
3. So I can start feeling better about myself.
4. So I can dodge the diabetes/breast cancer/heart disease bullets that run rampant in my family...or at least do my best to avoid them.
5. So I can learn to be the person I KNOW I can be---confidant and healthy.
6. So my outside will finally match my inside.
7. Because my doctor told me to. Seriously, is there a more important reason than that? When the doctor says, "Hey, you need to lose weight," YOU LOSE WEIGHT!

And the last list of the day:

Mini-Goals to Get me Motivated:
1. Try to lose 15-20 pounds before my DC trip with Tina in October. Just because it'll make all that walking easier.
2. Focus on re-training my brain on how to think about food, and try to eliminate the Yang foods from my diet.
3. Focus on BALANCE.
4. Find my strength.
5. Start working out everyday. It only takes 3 weeks to make something a habit! I can do 3 weeks!!!

Missing Another Milestone Marker

We're getting ready to make a trip to North Carolina to visit my husband's family for the Fourth of July. I'm REALLY looking forward to it--it's rare that we get to "vacation" because our jobs are the kind that keep us tied down (mine, quite literally). So anytime we get to go, I always get really happy.

There's just one dark cloud looming over my head.

Everytime we LEAVE North Carolina, I always vow the same thing. "Next time I'm here, I'm going to have lost enough weight that people will be able to tell." I never set a number, but I always envision the same thing---gasps, hugs, congratulations, etc. Pomp and circumstance. It's the same thing I do every year as I decorate the Christmas tree---"Next year, when I'm doing this, I'm going to be skinnier!!!"

Once again, I've reached that all important milestone, and I'm only approximately 15 pounds lighter than I was last time I was there.

Not that 15 pounds is a bad thing--I'm not saying that. I wouldn't put those 15 pounds back on for any reason, believe me!! But because I have so much to lose---15 pounds doesn't exactly show up so well. I mean, you can't look at me and tell I've lost any weight. That's what I mean.

It's not going to ruin the trip, or our fun, by any stretch of the imagination. And it's not as if my in-laws are going to love me any less because I haven't lost weight. In fact, they've always been very sensitive about it, as well as supportive in my struggle. But as I was showering this morning I thought to myself, "You've let yourself down. Again."

What an unhappy feeling.

It's why I stopped creating ultra-specific goals for myself. "I'm going to lose 20 pounds by next month!" Eesh. Talk about setting yourself up for failure!! It didn't take me too long to realize I was going to have to generalize my goals, if I didn't want to disappoint myself every time I turned around. And it works...to a degree. Unless I have a few months like I've had recently.

This year has been TOUGH in the weight-loss realm. I can't seem to find my mojo. I've got to get to work if I'm going to put up that Christmas tree as a skinnier person this year. I think I could accomplish that goal in the next 5 months, if I really work at it.

I think I have a new motivation.

Sudden Summer Sabbatical

Well. What can I say? After our vacation a few weeks ago, I never really managed to get back on the wagon. In fact, several random events strung together to create the need for ME to take a sudden summer sabbatical. Without going into too many details, there has been: talk of my parents moving away, an unfair ticket for my husband at work, money issues associated with said ticket, and lots of tears shed. Not to mention the loss of Michael Jackson--I've been a huge fan since I was a child, and the news of his death was earth-shaking for me.


Stress through the roof. And afterall....





So true.


There were a handful of days when I started to check-in, to blog just for the sake of blogging. But I didn't really have much to say--I mean, I could've grabbed a megaphone and filmed myself making the major confession..."Attention, Readers...I've been eating chocolate, drinking lots of coffee and soda, and NOT working out!" But I just couldn't bring myself to admit it.


The good news is that, despite my lack of healthy decisions in the past 2 weeks, I have managed to maintain what little weight I'd lost before. I'm still holding steady at 236. So that's a positive thing. I don't think I'll have such a hard time bringing myself back to the healthy world--I'm actually looking forward to getting back to healthy eating. My body feels different when I eat crap food, and I'm anxious to get back to some simple flavors and fresh ingredients that I know will make me feel better.


Stress isn't the only thing that's kept me from blogging, lately, although it's been a major factor. Honestly, the summer fun is keeping me from doing much else! I spent this past weekend with my best friend and college roomie, Jenna--





My hope for everyone I know is that you're as blessed as I am to have such a friend in your life. Jenna is the kind of friend that, despite the fact that it's been almost 8 years since we lived together, when we're in the same room now, it still feels exactly the same. Comfortable, familiar. Wonderful. We always have such a blast when we get together, and this past weekend was EXACTLY what I needed to get me back in the right frame of mind. (The margaritas had enough tequila in them, and there was more than enough laughter, to work out all the stress-related kinks in my shoulders, that's for sure!)


So I'm heading into the next week and taking Jenna's sage advice--"Take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time." That's the goal. To make each little daily decision with my health in mind.

Ugh.

I'm. So. Tired.

You'd think after coming off a week "staycation," I'd be feeling relaxed and well-rested, and totally ready to jump right back on the weight-loss bandwagon.

Nope.

If anything, I just want to keep eating cheeseburgers and lounging around on the couch. Not that I really did much of that during our vacation, mainly because we were running all over the place to cram as many fun things into a week as we could think of...waterpark, zoo, aquarium, beach, toy store.....*YAWN*....makes me need a nap just thinking of it.

But we did have an absolute blast!! That's for sure!

Now comes the crappy part AFTER: the week of mourning the end of an awesome vacation...missing our family members that live on the other side of the country...looking through all the pictures and video we took and wishing we were having that much fun again now, instead of working. Lethargy. Catching up on lost sleep. Laziness.

Ugh.

So...my plans for this week are to catch up on all the sleep I lost this past week, try to eat as healthy as possible, and slowly start working out again. Truthfully, I think I'll feel better once I get back into it. For now, though...I've got no energy and all I want to do is sleep.

It's a far cry from what I was doing a week ago today...



Sigh.